I hope this helps

 So I have a few blogs for things in my life.  One is for music and the other is for politics.  The one blog I had for a long time which I deleted just last year was following my battle with chronic depression.  When I deleted it my life had really gotten to a point I wasn't posting regularly enough to warrant keeping it.  I am not exactly sure what this blog will turn out to be but I wanted a place to share my personal struggles with depression, acceptance, and all other parts of myself that people around me rarely see.  In the end I hope to not only be able to chronical my own struggles but maybe create a small community of people dealing with similar issues and provide a place for supportive comments to help all of us.

For this first post I wanted to let you all know my back story and how I ended up here.  Growing up I had a very difficult time making friends and my circle was always small.  In high school I was very charismatic and "knew" a lot of people and a lot of people "knew" me.  But in reality I felt alone a majority of the time and did not share my emotional struggle with many people.  When I was in my teens my uncle committed suicide and both of my grandfathers died, all within a very short period of time.  My family, mainly my mom needed me to be a strong support through those times so I never properly processed my feelings on any of it.  At 18 I met my first wife and we were married by 19.  We had 3 sons by the time we were 22 so I very quickly had to "adult" and make sure they had what they needed.  For years we struggled financially because despite being in the military we relied heavily on W.I.C. and govt assistance as well as my parents a lot.  I deployed to Afghanistan in 2006 and while gone my marriage collapsed.  I came home to a huge mess and my wife left and moved to Texas.  Our sons stayed with me so I once again did not have time to process any emotions and had to be the strong and stable force for my sons.  Our divorce was final in 2017 and even though we had mutually made that decision and we are still good friends it was not the right time for me to "work" on my feelings so I put them in a box and crammed it into the way to full part of my brain.  I tried to date a few new people and it was a train wreck and my decisions drove a wedge between me and my kids.  2 of them left home while still in high school and my youngest and I stuck it out until he graduate and then he left immediately as well.  During this time my cousin chose to end her life as well.  Another blow emotionally but I did not have time to process things.  I met my current wife in 2018 and we were married a year later.  We chose to keep traditional and live separately until we were married.  That worked and eventually we were married and living together.  As the past few years have happened, Covid took over our lives and adulting has gotten in the way we have really lived 2 separate lives in one house.  We are from very different backgrounds and it makes things way more difficult than they need to be.  So that is my brief life story.

Finally I guess I need to answer this question, why this blog and why now?  For me the answer is simple, mentally I am in a very bad place and really struggling to find light or positive.  I feel alone a majority of the time even when surrounded by other people.  I have on more than one occasion found myself saying "I can really see why my uncle and cousin did what they did".  I don't think I could ever do anything like that because I know the hurt it leaves everyone else in your life but I do understand why they felt it was the only way to get relief from what they were feeling.  I also hope that by getting my feelings out there on "paper" I can find some relief from how I am feeling at this point.  I am 42 and pray before bed for God to just let me not wake up.  That is a problem.  I love my wife, step-son and kids more than anything in the world and it is really hard feeling like my only purpose in their lives is to be an ATM machine.  I want to be happy, be emotionally, spiritually and physically connected to my wife.  I want to wake up everyday and smile knowing my life is good and those around me are happy.  I want to know I am loved and wanted.  I am not sure if anyone will subscribe, read or even comment on this blog but in the end I hope people do.  We all need support and love from others and I hope this can be a platform to lead to that.